Three weeks in and alongside the important facts and theories I've been learning as my Masters programme progresses (the difference between an Aussie and a Kiwi accent; how to light a barbecue when there's not a male in sight; how to crash a UvA Economics party with discretion, to name a few), I've also been learning some essential bits and pieces about the Netherlands. Call it culture shock if you will, however I can tell already that these are things I'm going to have to grin and bear for the rest of my time here. Things the already stubborn Dutch wouldn't go a-changing for a group of small-time international kids.
- Toilets will never be a free privilege for a female. Not in a bar, not in a restaurant, not in a club, not in McDonalds - apparently this wasn't accounted for in the Declaration of Human Rights. You wanna relieve yourself, you gotta fork out at least 50 cents. But what about public toilets I hear you ask - if the men have free urinals at every street corner, surely there must be something for the ladies? That's what the 200-odd women thought who led a protest in the 1970s whereby they simultaneously urinated on bridges across the city, and it worked. Small circular buildings containing toilets for females were built across the city in response. However, during the hard drug boom of the 80s, these buildings became ideal spots for junkies to shoot up heroin, so each one was padlocked up. They still stand today, mostly used as advertising space but also just to rub it in women's faces. Stupid city taking stupid action against the stupid junkies.
- On a similar note, third wave feminism hasn't quite made it here yet. Men here have no qualms about cycling up next to you at traffic lights and asking if you've got a fella, nor are they ashamed to imitate any kind of animal - from a cat to a chicken, the options are endless - as you walk on by. Even a free bookmark providing key dutch phrases offers, "would you like to come home with me?".
Women are also not allowed to ride men's bikes whereas men are free to cycle around on a bike with a dipped bar so their skirts fall just right and they can dismount like a lady. But then again, men aren't really allowed to stand in those oh so famous, red-tinted windows. Swings and roundabouts. - You've just got to accept here that your tea will never be served with milk, and any request for it will be met with a frown. Milk is what the Dutch put in your tea when you're a kiddie here to cool it down, it's not for grown ups. Learn to like fruit/green tea and stick with that.
- Jacket potatoes aren't a thing here. Potatoes come already peeled, mostly already sliced, and you can find them in the fridge section of your local supermarket. Small potatoes come in regular 5kg bags, but nothing big enough to slap in the microwave and cover in beans and cheese.
- People laugh in the face of your Visa Debit card here. It's Maestro or the highway.
- And finally, those candy-floss flavoured, fluorescent pink shots they sell in Coco's? They should never be put anywhere near anyones mouth, ever. I don't care how enticing 9 for 10 euros sounds. They are toxic and no good will ever come from them.
